What If “My Fair Lady” Was Reversed?
Professor Henrietta Higgins takes on Elliot Doolittle.
Professor Henrietta Higgins and her assistant, Joanna Holland, sit on the couch in a well designed room, discussing men, and why they can’t seem to find a good one.
“You know Joanna, It may be that we’re too picky. I sometimes feel that I’ll never find the right man unless I invent him myself,” Henrietta intones.
She pours them both a glass of wine, and returns to the couch. Joanna laughs but appears deep in thought. “Henrietta, why not?”
“Why not what, my dear?” Henrietta asks.
“Why not invent or create your own? Let’s go on the dating sites again, pick out the most pitiful guy, one in need of a major overhaul, and recreate him just for you. If it works, you can do one for me,” Joanna answers.
“Hmmmmm…,” Henrietta muses.
They dive into dating sites, each holding up their phone to show the other the worst one they find. There’s a large pool to draw from. Finally, they simultaneously hold up the same one. Bingo.
The chosen one’s profile picture shows a man with a long, unkempt beard. In the next pic he is holding up a big fish. He is shirtless, with a belly overhang.
His activities include trolling, bowling, fishing (obviously), and fund raising. On street corners.
Henrietta and Joanna quickly locate his street corner. They offer to buy lunch if he will listen to their proposal. He looks at them with suspicion, but hey, free lunch.
Elliot Doolittle looks more and more confused as they explain their mission. He sees nothing wrong with who he is, but still, free lunches. And maybe more. Plus, as he reluctantly admits, he hasn’t had much success with the ladies. As in, none. He agrees to let Henrietta make him a better man.
Montages:
Henrietta and Elliot at the barber. The barber is shaving off Elliot’s beard. Elliot glares at Henrietta. But as the barber whisks off the cape and whirls the chair toward the mirror, a sly smile appears on Elliot’s face.
Henrietta ordering wine at a fancy restaurant. The waiter pours a small amount in each glass, she breathes in the heady aroma of the sample. Elliot shoots his, and looks at her quizzically as she nods to the waiter, then buries her head in her hands.
Elliot and Henrietta attend the symphony. Henrietta is rapt. Elliot snores quietly and peacefully beside her.
Henrietta and Elliot are in yoga class. Henrietta is in Warrior pose, blissfully and purposely ignoring Elliot’s fumbles and stumbles behind her. The Yogi approaches Elliot, shaking his head, but with a reassuring smile.
End Montages.
Three months into the experiment, Joanna enters Henrietta’s home. Henrietta proudly calls for Elliot to join them. He appears at the top of the staircase, impeccably attired in a well cut Italian suit. There is no sign of the belly.
He majestically walks down the staircase, greets Joanna, sits on the sofa, and puts his feet, in handmade leather shoes, on the coffee table. Henrietta gasps. He casts an inquiring look at her.
“What?” he exclaims, “You ain’t never told me I couldn’t relax!”
Joanna stifles a laugh as Henrietta plops into an arm chair and sighs.
Five months into the experiment, Joanna meets Henrietta and Elliot at a restaurant for dinner. When she arrives, Elliot stands up and pulls out her chair. Joanna and Henrietta share smiles. Elliot summons the waiter and orders a 2015 French Shiraz.
The wine appears, and Elliot gracefully swirls the sample, shows the ladies the legs on the wine, takes a deep sniff and, finally a taste on the tip of his tongue, which he lets slide slowly down his tongue and throat. He nods approvingly to the waiter, who then brings the bottle.
In the ladies room, Joanna enthuses to Henrietta, “OMG. He is a whole new man. No slang, bad grammar or swear words. He looks gorgeous. His manners are impeccable. He knows good wine. You’ve created the perfect man. Now you can start on one for me!”
“Thanks, Joanna. It’s been an uphill battle, but now he balances going fishing with going to the symphony, although he prefers opera. He has created an amazing wine cellar, and he’s supportive of my work. He’s perfect. And the cherry on top, he’s great in bed!”
Six months into the experiment, Henrietta and Joanna are at happy hour, Henrietta looking glum. “What’s wrong, Henrietta?” Joanna inquires over her martini glass, “ I thought things were going so well? You accomplished something amazing!”
“Yeah,” Henrietta mutters, “ He discovered he is pansexual. I didn’t even know what that was! I did such a good job of making him an eligible man, he ran away with our male yoga instructor. They’re going to do concierge yoga in the Hamptons. Don’t you dare say anything about kissing frogs. I’m the one that made him a prince!”
Joanna and Henrietta look frowningly at one another, shoot their martinis, and raise their hands to order more.
If you liked what you read, follow me here on Medium, and on Twitter and Instagram. I’m a writer who didn’t know I was funny until Medium made me a top writer in Humor. I raised an amazing son by myself, and now live with two cats who are raising me. In my Gulliver’s Travels of careers, I’ve been a teacher, an adjunct university professor, an advertising and marketing guru, a martial artist and sensei, and a psychotherapist, mostly in that order.
