You know you want to.

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Did you know there is a name for the fetish of preference for sex with an older person? It encompasses an attraction to everything connected to old age. It’s called Gerontophilia. This isn’t about that.

This is about older women coming into their own sexually. And it is about time. Time that older women are considered attractive and sexy. And time in the sense that we each have a measured amount of it. So why wouldn’t we want great sex during our time on the planet?

Older women can be the best of lovers. They have often overcome their issues with their bodies, becoming more accepting of them and honoring them more. Not all older women, but those who are self-actualizing. And their lack of inhibition is a huge turn on for their partners.

In general, older women have discovered what they desire and what works for them, and are happy to tell or show you. Again, there are some shrinking flowers in every generation, but a lot of us have learned to explore our own bodies, both alone and with a partner. Best of all, if an older women has had the joy of a curious and loving partner, she has learned to let go of the shame that many people carry with them from society and embarrassed parents.

Older women who use Hormone Replacement Therapy can lubricate as if they were twenty again. We are the first generation to be able to choose to completely avoid vaginal atrophy, that unfortunately named condition that results from a lack of progesterone and estrogen. It’s exactly as awful as it sounds, and can cause penetration to feel like razor blades. Natural products can also help. Check out the story line on the Netflix show “Grace and Frankie” about Frankie’s development of Yam Butter to be used as a lubricant. There are many products out there that are not your grandmother’s sex aids. Or maybe she did have them or know about them, but was too embarrassed to share her information with her daughters and granddaughters.

Older women today are much less likely to be embarrassed by their own and their partners’ sexuality. I may be something of an outlier as a sex-positive therapist, but my friends, and sisters, and I can laugh at our own sexual foibles and sexcapades in ways our mothers couldn’t. We can also laugh at yours, our partners, but in an accepting, loving way.

Older women will listen to what turns you on and gets you off. Some of us have heard it all, and there are few surprises. But also older women realize they can get what they need, and give you what you need, at the same time. We recognize that sex is a team effort. Maybe, like me, they stumbled across books in their teens or twenties that satisfied curiosity and relieved fear. The now amusingly dated “The Joy of Sex” was an eye opener a couple of generations back. It still has good advice.

So how do you approach an older woman if you are younger? For one, do not call her a cougar. There is no compliment in comparing her to a predator, implying that you are the prey. In fact, I like to say I am not a cougar if the rabbits are chasing me. Instead, in appropriate circumstances, tell her she is attractive. Engage her in intelligent conversation. I don’t have data, but I think many older women are sapiosexual. Intelligence and a sense of humor are the best aphrodisiacs. We aren’t really interested in your perfect body if there is no brain attached to it. And we sure don’t care about seeing a pic of your penis before we see your face in person, if you meet us online. (Ok, some women enjoy that. But it is wise of you to ask first). Conversation can be just as seductive as the acts themselves. Which doesn't mean talking dirty. Save that for between the sheets, after a sexual relationship has been established. Then feel free to try to make her blush.

And just so you know, just because you are younger, you are NOT doing us a favor by having sex with us. Don’t condescend to us and we won’t condescend to you.

If you are the same age, the same advice applies, with the addition of do not talk about your ailments. That can come later, when you can have a comparison talk, like the memorable scene in “Lethal Weapon 3” when Rene Russo and Mel Gibson compare scars, as they progressively remove clothing to show them off.

Older women can be strong, funny, smart and confident. And very sexy. Remember, though, we grew up with all the fairy tales, Rom Coms, and Disney Princess stories. We are capable of having a sex only relationship with you, but it has to be established up front. If it isn’t, we do expect to date you, get to know you, and for you to date, get to know, and fully appreciate us. In bed and out.

Psychotherapist, Hypnotherapist. Leans Left. Mindfulness practioner before it was cool. M.Ed., LPC.

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