Grow-A-Friend

Parenting from a different perspective.

My son side eyeing me. Photo courtesy of author.

All through my son’s early years, I heard the mantras:

You aren’t his friend, You’re his parent.

He needs to be afraid of you.

He’s going to be a big guy. You have to get your bluff in early.

Let’s look at the first one. What is a friend? If you are fortunate, a friend is someone who always has your back, but holds you accountable. They have your best interests at heart. They share their joys and sorrows with you. They tell you the total truth with lots of love. They apologize when they are wrong, and when they hurt you. They answer your questions. And, of course, you have lots of fun with them. Why would any of that be incompatible with parenting?

The second one? I dismissed that entirely. Why would I want him to fear me? Respect and fear are entirely different things, and respect should be earned. I enrolled him in martial arts with me when he was six. When a guy at my high school reunion asked him, “Blake, who is the toughest guy in the room?” He answered, “My Mom.”

I did try getting my bluff in early. But mostly, I didn’t bluff. Because he saw right through me. He still does. Don’t most of our friends see through us?

So, what did I do instead of bluff? My mother was the one who told me that I was…