Alpha Male is Code for Player

And I have been known to make an Alpha male cry.

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Simone Pellegrini on Unsplash

He smiles at me across the restaurant at lunch. We catch each other’s eye from time to time. As I leave I stop by his table and give him my number. I’m not shy. He calls me almost immediately. He suggests meeting for dinner. He tells me he is an Alpha Male. This is a term I haven’t heard someone describe themselves as before. It conjures for me a strong man, a leader type, so I’m okay with it.

As dinner time approaches, he texts to suggest that we meet at his place instead of going out. He says he has gotten home and gotten comfortable. He texts a pic of him shirtless. Ah, NOW, I see what alpha male means, at least to him. I decline.

There is a joke about a girl crossing a cold field at night. A snake asks her to carry him to a warm barn on the other side. She argues that he is a snake, and will bite her. The snake pleads with her that he will freeze to death if she doesn’t take him. He promises not to bite her. So she agrees, puts him inside her coat and carries him to the barn. As she is putting him on the ground, he bites her hand. She jumps up screaming, “You promised not to bite me!” He answers, “You knew I was a snake when you picked me up.”

Zach Savinar on Unsplash

Another man smiles at me across the room at a restaurant/bar with a band that plays salsa music. I see him dance, which he does well, and then wander back to stand a few feet from my table. He doesn’t approach, but continues to look over at me from time to time. Eventually he appears to be leaving. I approach him and ask him to dance. He agrees, and introduces himself as an Alpha Male. I ask what that means, and he, being more honest than the first, answers, “A bad boy.” He is retired military, still serving in reserves. We dance. He kisses me goodnight in the moonlight. Very romantic. I go see him at his apartment the following weekend. Things are good as long as I don’t want more. We see each other for a few weeks until a female friend of his in need comes to stay with him. He breaks with me via text. I answer simply, “OK.” I knew he was an Alpha Male when I picked him up.

A man contacts me through Bumble. He is well dressed and attractive in his photos. He is retired military. He wants to meet me. We have great conversation at a nice wine bar. It turns out the wine bar is right outside his apartment building. He tells me he is an Alpha Male who is ten years divorced. He retired from the military to lead a department at an international corporation. I google him when he goes to get more wine. It is all true. He seems too good to be true. He is. He invites me to his place where conversation continues to go well. He then tells me he wants to pursue a swinger’s lifestyle. It doesn’t occur to me to ask him why he hasn’t already done that in the last ten years. I tell him I would rather have a one on one partner, and good luck. For awhile he continues to text, but then finds a nurse who is already a swinger, and will take him to the clubs and parties.

I realize I did not actually know what Alpha Male means in today’s vernacular. I still think of it as being someone who has developed a standing and status by accomplishments. Someone who is self-confident without being arrogant. Someone quietly powerful. Someone kind of like me. Self-described Alpha Males seem to be focussed primarily on the meaning in the animal kingdom, which includes being the male who mates with all the women.

Apparently I am drawn to self-described Alpha Males, and they to me. Maybe most women are to some extent. I want Alpha in the boardroom, and often in the bedroom. I am a take charge woman who likes to be taken charge of in bed. But I want a Beta Male as companion, romantic partner, and in bed where we mutually understand and please one another. I want a man who loves all of me and with whom I can create infinite ways of loving, without having to bring in other people for sex and excitement. What I really want is an Alpha Male with a Beta heart.

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Psychotherapist, Hypnotherapist. Leans Left. Mindfulness practioner before it was cool. M.Ed., LPC.

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